In the beginning—the newest beginning—the Universal Field Operative (UFO) looked out across the multiverse and said, “What shall I do today for fun? I’m in the mood for something different.”
On the first day, the UFO said, “Let there be a big bang!” And there was a very Big Bang. But the new universe was without substance: a swirling mass of chaotic energy masquerading as gazillions of tiny little itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny discrete particles. And the UFO grew tired of watching worlds collide in perfectly random and utterly meaningless disorder.
On the second day, the UFO said, “Let decision makers have opinions!” And every discrete particle in the universe suddenly developed well-considered opinions on every subject that was knowable, even those they knew little or nothing about. All these multifarious newfangled opinions carried little or no weight with anyone, least of all the universe itself. The UFO continued to decide everything, despite what any individual discrete particle might think or feel about it. “You can’t beat City Hall!” the UFO cried in the wilderness wherein it had established its mobile headquarters and temporary home base.
On the third day the UFO said, “Let decision makers have goals!” And every discrete particle in the universe developed a set of realistic goals to accompany their formerly quite meaningless opinions. Only those goals that matched universal prerogatives were allowed naturally. “Go with the flow, never against!” the UFO maintained with great personal satisfaction, which, alas, was extremely short-lived in terms of intertemporal durability.
On the fourth day, the UFO said, “Let decision makers have dreams!” And every discrete particle in the universe began to imagine things that were not real, things that might yet be, but which were still not in existence at the time of dreaming. “Every dream must be based at least in part on some vital aspect of physical reality, or it is an abomination in the face of me!” the UFO declared. Where would the universe be in terms of incipient sapient species control issues otherwise?
On the fifth day, the UFO said, “Let decision makers try to be heroes and end up slaves!” This move was stone cold, but inevitable, given the logic of universal creation as conceived and implemented by the UFO. The greatest sacrifices inevitably produce the best results, but can never be sustained on a permanent or even a long-term basis. Heroism must have its day, but also a night of rest to follow. Otherwise heroism degenerates into that greatest of all herculean sacrifices known as debt peonage. But slavish serfdom can end just as heroism does, with personal accolades, downtown parades, fireworks, parties, celebrations, religious and philosophical treatises, even military triumphs. Manumission provides a brand-new start in the phenomenological process formerly known as eternal life.
On the sixth day, the UFO said, “Let decision makers have unlimited aspirations, wants, needs, desires, and wholly holy irrational expectations!” And every discrete particle in the universe was imbued with a secret longing to reconnect, to become one with the universe—the hard way, if necessary. The easy way out (of necessity) was to let go of material things in that lowest of all levels, the physical universe of time and space, and ascend into higher dimensionalities of conscious awareness wherever and whenever these are found.
The hard way was to go all out with great fortitude and deliberation and conquer the world, the solar system, the galaxy, the local group, with the ultimate intention to subsume the entire universe within one’s own being, just as the ancient gods once did. Mainly to fill their dance cards on those special occasions when old families get together to reminisce about old times, old places, and old multiverses. Immortality is a long row to hoe and requires great attention to detail, if one wishes to avoid the fetal onset of fatal ennui.
Later that day the UFO added (just to be clear), “Let rational expectations be infinite in scope, yet always prove a chimera, unless the universe is in a fit and proper mood to change its mind!” This was exceeding cruel and heartless, and from a purely analytical point of view, pointless as well, given that universal creation guidelines are intended to allow this sort of thing as a standard design feature anyway. At least in dreams, if not in the day-to-day tumbledown tumbleweed actualities of most physical realities and unrealities.
On the seventh day, the UFO tried to get some rest after a job well done, but was inundated by a vast multitude of prayers, salutations, and sacrifices. Mainly from disgruntled former employees and needy greedy seedy free-range and emotionally detached or disturbed discrete particles, whose numbers are legion, since none of their unlimited longings can ever be fulfilled in anything remotely resembling real time. “I must be strong,” the UFO said, “and resist any and all unnecessary temptations until the last trumpet sounds.”
A host of discrete particles begged the UFO for more quality time and personal attention. They wanted to know if free will or predestination ruled the universe. And their anonymous and perfunctory, if not always very discreet, lives.
“Free will is an illusion,” the UFO said. “As is predestination. Life is what you make of it. So make of it what you will.”
The vast host of unattached discrete particles were shocked into a dismal form of uneasy alliance.
“That should teach them,” the UFO said.
And the multitude cried out again that sexual selection was an unnecessary provocation in the unsynchronous phases of their solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, short, and otherwise humdrum and meaningless existences.
“Says who?”
The desperate multitude maintained further that sex created a great cloud of morbid anxiety and irreducible uncertainty, in terms of deciding once and for all time who should be on top.
“Very interesting.” And the UFO smiled for the first time in its long, eventful, and unrecorded history. “I go both ways on that issue.”
Plausible deniability has its own distinctive and undeniable advantages.