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Trading With Monsters

There are six rules regarding trading with monsters.

Rule #1: Get a good night’s sleep before you cast your protection circle. If you nod off even once, the last thing you’ll ever see is sharp teeth.

Rule #2: Decide on exactly what you want to trade. Haggling weakens the protection circle and, well, refer to Rule #1.

Rule #3: If you’re dealing with a hungry monster, you may have to agree on a limb deal, so decide which arm is not your favorite beforehand, and bring a second wizard to remove the limb, cauterize the stump, and, of course, keep up the protection circle because you’ll be unconscious from the pain. And please don’t trade a leg, no matter what the monster offers. They never want just the leg.

Rule #4: After the monster agrees to the trade, slide your offered object out of the protection circle with a stick or broom, not your hands, or the monster will understandably assume that you’re throwing in your hands as a bonus.

Rule #5: Wait for the monster to leave the area before you get what you came for. And by leave, I mean, at least ten miles away, not invisible, hiding in a pocket dimension, merged with stone, burrowed underground, or looking like your mother with impressive canines.

Rule #6: After you acquire your trade and are safely home, make a huge offering to the gods for letting you get away with trading with a monster, because that’s a really stupid thing to do.